By @TheOrangeCone – It’s great to know that Tony Stewart will address the media on Tuesday for the first time since his sprint car accident forced him into retirement. Now that he’s just a car owner, he are ten topics we can expect him to talk about when he holds his first post-retirement press conference:
10. How he and Gene Haas picked out carpet and upholstery patterns for their shared office at SHR headquarters.
9. His hatred for sprint car racing and how he hopes to never, ever see another sprint car again.
8. Since he now hates sprint car racing and sprint cars primarily race on dirt, he will announce the immediate paving of Eldora Speedway.
7. Now that he is retired, he will also explain a new softer approach to the media. He will not immediately threaten anyone with a crutch and will openly embrace Bob Pockrass in a show of his new pro-media attitude.
6. Tony will also open up about previous on-track run-ins with Kurt Busch and how they were all staged because he and Kurt set this move to SHR up long before Tony even met Gene Haas.
5. Tony will rate, in great detail, the tactile qualities of the behinds of each of the nurses that has taken care of him during his rehabilitiation.
4. Since he is retired, Tony will also offer the media and fans tips on which restaurants offer the best early bid specials, both in Columbus, Indiana and Charlotte, North Carolina.
3. In another show of his new softer approach to the media, he will apologize for calling Jim Utter “Princess” and will heretofore all him “Utter Butter.”
2. Tony will also detail which half of the team he owns and which half of the team Gene owns. Someone will suggest a line down the middle of the shop floor and Tony will lose it, threating to stick a crutch where the sun doesn’t shine.
1. He will call his wheelchair “dead weight” and say he cannot wait to lose it. Darian Grubb will text him immediately with a “haha that’s pretty funny” message.
I guarantee each and every one of these topics will be discussed. I also want to wish Tony much rest and relaxation in his retirement.
Okay, I have to get back to work. Pit entrance won’t police itself.