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YOU’VE GOT MAIL!

Here’s the latest. If you don’t like it, read it backwards and it will leave your brain.

Love,

The Wolf

“Are the conversations over the radio between drivers and crew chiefs private or public?” — Kyle B. – Lake Norman, NC

 You don’t follow yourself Kyle Busch on Twitter?


“Did Kasey come down the track or did Danica go up the track?” — Briscoe D. – No Clue Where We Are, IA

 That’s one of those age old questions people have been asking since 2010, like “If Danica wrecks during a private test and nobody sees it, is the car damaged?”

 

“Why is it called ‘tire falloff’ instead of ‘tire explode?'” — Ruthie K. – Bad Apple, MI

 Firestone had that copyrighted.

 

“What’s proper attire for a race?” — Fred H. – Two Teeth, WV

 A baggy old t-shirt, cargo shorts, and a pair of dirty sneakers. Same thing you’d wear to church.

 

“I’m a new fan. Where can I learn about the history of NASCAR? — Sadie M. – Teasedale, AZ

 Rent Talladega Nights.

 

“Do you need a high school diploma to be a NASCAR driver?” — Pearl B. – Dry Dock, KS

You don’t even need a G.E.D. You’re probably thinking of crew chiefs.

“Which driver is the best one to stalk?” — Brandi T.  – Iamwatchingyou, MN

Male or female?

 

Follow the Wolf on Twitter

Email the Wolf: Leave me alone

Categories
Humor

NASCAR Fan Travel Guide: Watkins Glen

Well, that one day of the year when it’s actually possible for @AJDinger to make the Chase is upon us again, the Zippo 200 At The Glen. I don’t know why we make such a big deal of it. It’s not like there are any road course races in the Chase. But anyway, it’s AJ Dinger Day! The day of the Ding! Why he is isn’t sponsored by Hostess Ding Dongs for this race is beyond me.

But I digress.

Watkins Glen is in the Finger Lakes region of New York. Big deal. So is Rochester. Have you ever been to Rochester? I have. We told our friends there that if they if they ever wanted to see us again they’d have to come visit us. Sure, it caused some hard feelings, and we haven’t seen them since, but on the bright side, we haven’t been back to Rochester.

So, avoid Rochester. But enjoy the other great things New York has to offer.

1. Niagra Falls. Go over the Falls in a barrel. Sure, you might die or get arrested, but either way, you’ll be on the news.

2. Throw a rock at nearby Canada.

3. Row across Lake Ontario and invade Toronto. But if it’s like a Canadian Rochester, forget it and row back.

4. Visit the Geoff Bodine Museum in Elmira. It’s really just a Hoosier racing tire. Not very exciting, but still better than Rochester.

5. Visit the Todd Bodine Museum in Chemung. Try to go on a day when Geoff’s Hoosier racing tire is on loan.

6. Visit the Brett Bodine Museum in Chemung. It’s actually the Todd Bodine Museum, but every Thursday Brett shows up and talks about himself.

7. Enjoy the comedy stylings of the late Buddy Hackett on a trip to the Catskills.

8. Head over to Buffalo, home of the original buffalo wing. Ask them if there’s a Hooters nearby.

9. If you ask somebody which Finger Lake Watkins Glen is near, and they hold up their middle finger and say, “This one,” don’t get offended. That’s exactly where it is.

10. Don’t get your hopes up. That’s @SamHornish in the 9, not @MarcosAmbrose.

EMAIL KEVIN AT kevin.alford@popularspeed.com

FOLLOW ON TWITTER: @CitizenKBA

Categories
Humor

Pocono (and Iowa): Good News, Bad News

It’s hard to complain about the racing at Iowa and Pocono this past weekend. So I won’t. A lot happened. A lot! Some good, some bad. Let’s run it down.

The good news: Jack Roush has two of the best young drivers in the XFINITY series with @Chris_Buescher and @BubbaWallace.

The bad news: They hate each other. Oh, and they aren’t afraid to wreck each other to show it.

The good news: @KaseyKahne is a lot like me.

The bad news: I leave work early a lot too.

The good news: @KyleBusch is back.

The bad news: Back in 21st.

The good news: Richard Petty hasn’t fired @SamHornish.

The bad news: He’s going to.

The good news: You’re not the tire guy on @Keselowski‘s crew.

The bad news: You’re the jackman.

The good news: @GBiffle finished fifth.

The bad news: These fuel mileage races are few and far between.

The good news: @JeffGordonWeb finished third.

The bad news: See Biffle, above.

The good news: You don’t see @driverRyanReed anywhere.

The bad news: He’s behind you.

The good news: They didn’t throw a debris caution so everybody could top off.

The bad news: You really needed that debris caution so your could top off.

The good news: You’re not @Elliott_Sadler.

The bad news: Let’s just leave it at that.

EMAIL KEVIN AT kevin.alford@popularspeed.com

FOLLOW ON TWITTER: @CitizenKBA

Categories
Humor

I Got A Fever! And The Only Prescription is More Grip!

Well, the Brickyard 400 has once again come and gone, and we either liked it, or we didn’t, or it was about the same. We can’t decide. Which is strange, because NASCAR brought a new package that was supposed to improve the racing. It wasn’t really a package, though. It was just a piece of clear plastic nailed to the spoiler. I wonder how many billions of dollars went into that research? Anyway, NASCAR’s getting to be like my brother. When he gets a new car, the first thing he does is attach those plastic rain guard things over the window. Maybe it makes him more competitive, I don’t know.

But I don’t think plastic strips are the answer. I think more grip is. I mean, the reason these cars aren’t passing each other is that there is only one groove with any grip. So everybody gets in that groove and just follows each other around. So, here are my ideas to fix the problem.

1. Put grip in ALL the grooves.

2. Put grip near the wall for @KyleLarsonRacin.

3. After putting some grip down, put some more down. Let’s make it really grippy.

4. Put down so much grip that not even John Wes Townley can spin out.

5. This way, when he does spin out, it won’t be because there was no grip.

6. During cautions, pick up the debris. But then put some grip down where the debris was because maybe that debris wiped away some of the grip.

7. Put grip in the AirTitans. This way they can not only dry the track but put grip down at the same time.

8. Adjustable grip bar in the car.

9. If there’s a track with a lot of grip, let’s have all the races there.

10. Have Goodyear develop a tire that works well with grip. Maybe make it out of rubber. But put some grip in it too.

Sure, maybe it’s a dumb idea, but no dumber than that plastic rain guard thing my brother thinks is so cool.

Categories
Humor

Tony and Rico and Their Tractor

If you missed the Eldora truck race, you missed not only a thrilling dirt race but also the incredible sight of @TonyStewart and @Rico_Abreu riding around on a tractor prepping and maintaining the racing surface.

Which, naturally, got me to thinking: What if Tony and Rico had a show about riding around on a tractor? What would it be like? Well, maybe something like this.

  1. A pregnant woman has crashed her car into a ditch. Tony and Rico pull her out with their tractor and deliver the baby. That could be an episode.
  1. Maybe a Wall Street swindler is hiding in a small town, and Tony and Rico expose him and return everybody’s stolen money with their tractor. That’s an episode.
  1. Jimmie Johnson, envious of Tony and Rico, buys a tractor, but gets himself into trouble. Maybe he drives it into a lake. Tony and Rico rescue him, and he discovers it’s just not the life for him. Boom! Episode.
  1. Mike Harmon falls down a well (it’s a really big well). Tony and Rico pull him out with their tractor. Then he steals something of theirs. Then he has a recurring role as their criminal nemesis.
  1. A farmer’s tractor breaks down, and Tony and Rico put his crop in with their tractor, thus saving his farm from being foreclosed on. Rico falls in love with the farmer’s daughter. This is a two-part episode.
  1. A Scooby Doo/Tony and Rico team-up episode.
  1. A special 2-hour Christmas episode in which Tony and Rico drag a Christmas tree from Washington state to a Florida orphanage, nearly freezing to death on the way so that the orphans can have a Merry Christmas. Tony and Rico exchange gifts. Tractor cuff links and a tractor tie clip.
  1. Tony starts drinking and gives up the tractor life. Rico crashes the tractor into a bar to save Tony.  But he’s too late. The kindly old bartender, who once lived the tractor life himself, has already saved Tony. Rico has to pay for the damages.
  1. When a local television station gives Tony all the credit for a rescue, and doesn’t even mention Rico or the tractor, Rico strikes out on his own, trying to save people with an old bulldozer. But when he tries to help an elderly couple remodel their home, but then accidentally collapses the house on the couple and himself, and has to be rescued by Tony, they both rediscover the true meaning of two guys riding around on a tractor helping people.
  1. The season finale cliffhanger episode. Tony and Rico have forgotten to make a few payments on the tractor and it’s been repossessed. As they work on the railroad and contemplate becoming hobos, a mine explodes, trapping @DaleJr inside. Will they be able to get the tractor out of hock in time?

EMAIL KEVIN AT kevin.alford@popularspeed.com

FOLLOW ON TWITTER: @CitizenKBA

Categories
Humor

NASCAR Fan Travel Guide: Eldora

Eldora Speepdway is once again hosting the Mud Summer Classic. It’s called classic because they’ve been holding this race for so many years. However, records only exist for the last two years. Maybe the other races were fifty years ago, before we had words. Or a thousand, when drivers would ride dinosaurs, and some drivers would get eaten, which would bring out a caution. Nobody really knows.

Anyway, Eldora is in Ohio. Which is unfortunate because, despite being in the middle of the country, there’s not much to do there. They only have two cities, and a few years ago one them just caught fire for no reason. They put it out, but not because there was any real reason to. I guess it’s just human instinct to put out a fire, then stand back and think about it, and maybe start the fire again. The other city didn’t catch fire, but a lot of people hope it will; after all, a lot of people came out to see that other fire!

Anyway, if you find yourself in Ohio, not watching one of their cities burn, here are some other things you can try.

  1. Consider the buckeye. Wonder why it’s the Ohio State Trees.
  2. I warned you there’s nothing to do there.
  3. Marvel at how seven presidents have come from Ohio.
  4. Marvel at how six of them were really our lamest presidents. For instance, did you know James Garfield was president? Neither did I, but he was.
  5. Visit the Rock n Roll Hall of Fame, stand in front of the Bee Gees exhibit, tell everybody, “Not really rock n roll.”
  6. Ride the roller coaster at Cedar Point. Zero deaths this year!
  7. Visit the Barbed Wire Museum. Get a complimentary tetanus shot.
  8. Spend evening in hotel planning quickest route out of Ohio.
  9. [This space left open in the event something to do should come to Ohio]
  10. Go to the Mud Summer Classic
Categories
Humor

NASCAR Fan Travel Guide: Loudon

Loudon is in New Hampshire. New Hampshire is an old Native American term meaning “New” and “Hampshire.” We don’t know what those words mean. But it replaced Old Hampshire. Which was probably destroyed by an earthquake, or given to the Canadians because, hey, we got a new one! Loudon is just a made up word. It doesn’t mean anything.

I’ve actually driven a racecar at Loudon. And though I didn’t win anything, the Richard Petty Driving Experience instructor was effusive in his praise of my ability behind the wheel. I guess what I’m saying is, I’m a pretty good NASCAR driver, and I’ve got the certificate to prove it. I’ve also got some participation trophies, but all they prove is that I kept showing up.

Anyway, I love New Hampshire. The state motto is ‘Live Free or Die.’ Which sounds great, except for that ‘die’ part. Then, you couple that with it being the Granite State, granite being what tombstones are made of, and, man, what’s going on up there? But anyway, I love it, the living free part, that is.

If I had pursued my NASCAR career that like that driving instructor implied I should, here are some things I’d do in New Hampshire this weekend.

1. Take @KyleLarsonRacin to Story Land. I think he’s still young enough for the discount ticket.

2. Drink maple straight out of a tree.

3. Have stomach pumped – too much maple.

4. Enroll at Dartmouth. Join a fraternity. Earn PhD in racecar driving.

5. Take Kyle Larson to Santa’s Village. He was really good at Story Land. He deserves it.

6. Go on Agri-tour with Sterling Marlin. Maybe do some farming.

7. Visit Canadian border. Marvel at how easy it would be to beat them if they ever attacked us. Throw a rock at Canada.

8. Enjoy a delicious Maine lobster. But over in Maine. That’s where the real lobsters are.

9. Take Kyle Larson to NASCAR race. He was good at Santa’s Village. He deserves it. Consider adopting Kyle Larson.

10. Visit Vermont border. Tell Kyle Larson that’s where the dragons live.

11. Go to Squam Lake to enjoy the loons. But without Kyle Larson. I need some me time.

So, as you can see, there are a lot of things in New Hampshire for you, and Kyle Larson, to enjoy. Including the race!

EMAIL KEVIN AT kevin.alford@popularspeed.com

FOLLOW ON TWITTER: @CitizenKBA

Categories
Humor

Lessons from the Professor

Before I pass out on the couch after a race, I like to sit back and think about what I learned. And how I could teach those lessons to the students in my racing class at school.

Then I realize I’m just really drunk, and not a teacher. Still, I think this new package at Kentucky taught me a lot. But it also raised a few questions.

  1. If I were a professional wrestler, I’d call myself the Kentucky Package. Maybe I’d beat my opponents with a smaller spoiler.
  2. @DaleJr said he didn’t draw @DanicaPatrick‘s name out of a hat and run over her. Then how did he decide to run over her?
  3. When you “put the wheel back in the hands of the driver,” @JimmieJohnson is only the ninth best driver out there. Something I’d always suspected, but never said because of all his wins and championships.
  4. Drivers don’t like the adjustable track bar in the car. There’s an adjustable track bar in the car?
  5. When your brakes aren’t working, a good way to slow yourself down is by hitting another car. And that other car will slow down when it hits the wall. Win-win.
  6. A jukebox? Haven’t they invented the iPod in Kentucky?
  7. Sometimes the fans are right. I’m assuming at least one fan said, “Narrow the radiator pan!”
  8. I’m also assuming one fan said, “Free concessions!” What happened to that one?
  9. Every time they take a part off these cars, the racing seems to get better. Just start taking off random parts.
  10. Does anyone have video of that wreck in Turns 2, 3 and 4 that @JeffBurton saw?

EMAIL KEVIN AT kevin.alford@popularspeed.com

FOLLOW ON TWITTER: @CitizenKBA

Categories
Humor

NASCAR Wants Changes? Try These

NASCAR recently announced they would make changes to the cars in an effort to increase the competitiveness on the track and put more excitement back into the sport. The change, currently for one weekend, takes place at Kentucky Speedway on July 11 for the Sprint Cup Series.

But these are the same people who gave us the Car of Tomorrow, so I’ve come up a few additional ideas I hope they’ll consider implementing.

1. Remove the spoiler. Spoilers make the cars slower. It’s dumb. Get rid of it.

2. Steeper banking. This will create the illusion of safety and reduce fear. Fear slows drivers down, stupidity speeds them up.

3. Stupid drivers.

4. Bigger engines. Add as many cylinders as it takes to reach about 2,000 horsepower.

5. Free beer. This has nothing to do with the on-track product, but I don’t care. Because, free beer.

6. If one driver is having a really great season and beating everybody, put a parachute on the back of his car. It’s up to his crew chief to figure it out.

7. If a driver complains that he got “raced too hard,” and he didn’t end up in the wall, ban him from the sport. Forever.

8. Liam Neeson. That guy is exciting!

9. Only throw a fake caution if the field gets strung out single file. Oh wait, they already do that.

10. Remove the splitter. I don’t even know what it does.

EMAIL KEVIN AT kevin.alford@popularspeed.com

FOLLOW ON TWITTER: @CitizenKBA

Categories
Humor

Breaking Down the Driver Council

So, NASCAR drivers have formed a drivers council. They would have formed a union, but being banned for life didn’t sound like such a great idea, so it got voted down.

@DennyHamlin said NASCAR helped them form the council. It’s probably not a good sign when the first thing you can’t do is successfully get together. The council is like the Roman Senate…or a toga party with the Three Stooges in charge.

And speaking of toga parties and stooges, @ClintBowyer and @TonyStewart are on the council, but they’re probably just in charge of beer and snacks. Meanwhile @JimmieJohnson and Brad @Keselowski aren’t involved.

Wait, is this a serious deliberative body, or a just jealous high school clique? Want to improve the racing? Well then, be sure and don’t invite arguably the greatest driver ever. Want NASCAR to know what you’re thinking? Well then, be sure and don’t invite they guy who’s been shooting his mouth off for ten years already … without a council!

But @DaleJr, Hamlin and @KyleLarsonRacin are on the council. Wait, is this a serious deliberative body, or just a club for guys shacked up with their girlfriends?

@JeffGordonWeb is on the council and says it’s the most exciting thing he’s seen in ten years. I guess he missed his own fight with Keselowski.

Drivers say they formed the council to improve the line of communication with NASCAR. I guess they don’t know they can just tweet Steve O’Donnell @odsteve.

Actually it isn’t surprising they think they need to form a council to improve communication, but maybe Denny shouldn’t be involved in the talking or writing part of the communicating. After all, Denny once actually tweeted this:

Untitled
Even if you ignore the fact that NASCAR has a YouTube channel, there’s still a lot wrong with that sentence.

Anyway, it appears that the council’s first order of business is to make the racing better. Wow. I wish someone had already thought of that. Like say, the RTA last year. Or before that, the entire NASCAR fanbase. But they didn’t, so now it’s up to the drivers.

Truth be told, the selection of council participants were based on those who were highest in points for their respective manufactures — but I still like the idea of Bowyer and Stewart being in charge of the beer and snacks.

It’s too early to tell, but if they’re successful I hope their second order of business is getting races off FOX Sports 1, and back on real channels. And then make races free again, like they were in the old days.

EMAIL KEVIN AT kevin.alford@popularspeed.com

FOLLOW ON TWITTER: @CitizenKBA